Respect, Love & Commitment

Wifey Man Material

Singlemams… I feel like I have not written in such a long time! My schedule had gotten extremely hectic and I have finally prioritized my days down to the minutes. So, I am back!!

How is it that a man or boy (which ever the shoe fits) has multiple kids – more than one, and can still project the same excuse; that he is not ready to be a father? What constitutes a father being in the life of one child and not another? This is near and dear to me. My experiences detail this type of neglect toward my son. Though not certain, therefore I will assume I am not the only Singlemama that is or has had to translate what these actions mean respective to the child as well as to themselves.

When I first became knowledgeable of my unplanned pregnancy, there were mixed emotions. I took a few factors into consideration: I was grown, a college grad and a working woman thus resolved that I would accept my fate of motherhood. Although I had accepted, my counterpart had not. It was expressed that he was not ready for fatherhood at this point of his life. Naively, I accessed his current situation and empathetically excused him. The realization was this huge responsibility was all mine to bear. Truth be told, a year later I learned that my son had a sibling… and it was not by me! Not only was it another child conceived by the man who was not ready for kids BUT he was a willing participant in this child’s life.

Emotions were flying everywhere! I was mad as H%@l. All kind of resentful thoughts flooded my mind. Then as always, God humbled me through this entire ordeal. A man “may” base his love, affection and presence for a child on the woman whom the child comes from. If there is not a form of commitment, respect, and love towards the woman, than there “may” not be any love of the child.

A humbling experience indeed; there was no love, respect or commitment therefore when the pinnacle moment of parenthood arrived, he was not obligated. This implies that a man can sex you, but that does not translate that he wants a baby with you. A man that respects you will not abandon the whole responsibility of parenthood when half is his. A man that is committed to you is not circumstance driven. A man that loves you will also love his child. A man that loves God, himself and you will always be lead to do the correct thing in the midst of uncertainty.

Singlemamas… be mindful of whom you give yourself; too often we have partners during the tango but are standing alone when it is judgment time.

His Last Forever… Or Yours?

 

For several of us, when we gave birth to our child or children, we were single. For some, you may have been married and, unfortunately, your fantasy marriage may have ended in a nightmarish divorce. However, custody was granted to you. Just for this conversation, I am not specifically referring to the latter, but as always feel free to give your input.

Today things are done differently. If you are a single woman giving birth to a child, unless the father is present to sign his name on the dotted line, that baby is leaving the hospital with your last name. In my case, this wasn’t a problem. At the time of birth, I did not want my son to bear the last name of people who did not even acknowledge his existence. BUT… my son’s blood does not lie. He is the offspring of his biological father. So should he bear his name or continue through life with mine?

This has always been a question of mine, even before I had my own child. Often times, in the case of a single mother, a child has the same last name as their mother but the mother is not married, again implying that the child has taken on the maternal last name. In my current relationship, with the man I “one day hope to marry”, we often talk about creating a legacy. It is his dream to have multiple sons of his own who will carry on his last name and the legacy that is associated with it. Traditionally, this is the natural order of things. The children get the father’s last name; the son(s) continue the lineage and the daughters marry into another lineage. So what happens in the situation of many our Singlemamas’ dilemmas? At first we really don’t have a choice if the father is not present at the birth. We are forced into one direction. (Note, I understand the legality behind this action.) And I guess, I am referring to cases where the dad is absent, why is it that mamas still want their child to bear his last name? If child support is in order and paternity has been done, then legally the child has been officially deemed his and hers. So the “what if something happens” excuse is invalid. Are we trying to hold onto a piece of something (child’s father)? Are we doing it out of spite? I envision my son being proud of his last name. I envision him with the same excitement my boyfriend possesses when thinking of passing on his last name to his kids.

My ultimate desire is for my son to be adopted by my future husband and we all share the same last name. He has my last name now, but when I transition into a new lineage my son will transition as well. A last name is something to be proud of; it is a name that reflects the family you come from and the family you will continue to build. So SingleMamas, does your child’s father qualify to have his name passed on for another generation? His Last Forever…  Or Yours?

Hello, My Name is Ursula and I am a Spoiler.

(text under image “Most kids just get a drink of water, you know.”)

When you have an “only child”, often times it is hard to gage when something is too much or too little. You do not have the advantage of prior dealings with an older sibling. My son is an only child, and when he asks for things, very seldom does he hear the word, “NO”. Keep in mind that he is only two years of age, and his vocabulary is not extensive enough to ask for anything too extreme… not yet at least! But the other day I seriously found myself about to cook my son “cakes” (which in our house is short for “pancakes”) for a snack. I was prepping my cooking station, gearing up to prepare my finest batch of “cakes” for a two year old to take one bite, then change his mind and say “I want cookies” instead. Where is the line drawn?

All the men in my life constantly address my son as the spoiled one and me as the ultimate spoiler. Before the “cake” epiphany, I plagued their comments as a non-factor and chalked it up as their lack of a maternal bond, right? I mean, my son is not spoiled. He does not get everything he wants, when he wants it. And then, I pinched myself. He may not get everything he wants but he does get a variation of what he wants, most of the time. My way of teaching him that he may not always get his way is saying “NO” to what he is asking for, occasionally. So that sounds stupendous to most. Here is where I go wrong, he doesn’t get that wagon he is pointing at but he walks out of Wal-Mart, after every visit, with either a bag of Life Savers Gummies candy or a small toy to add to the mounds of other toys he already has. Am I a bad SingleMama, family? Am I really teaching him that no means no, or am I teaching him that he may not get the big treat but he can always count on a smaller treat to come to the rescue?

I know you all are dying to know, did the kid get his “cakes”. He sure…. DID….. NOT!!! I had to draw the line. I told him NO like there was-a-tomorrow. And that became my motto; “Not today, maybe tomorrow”. His response was a simple, “OK Mommy”. Our children like discipline; they also like to test our limits. He knew the “cakes” were our breakfast food, but he also knew that if he asks, he usually receives and if he doesn’t receive the specific item that’s being requested, he receives a variation. These little monsters are smart, but we are smarter, SingleMamas. Do a self-evaluation on your practices. Are you a spoiler or are you an improver, your child’s behavior and his life depend on it? Please Share.

**Click on the image in the beginning of the post for your Resource Link.

From a Mother to Her Son (An Everlasting Love…)

Dear Son,

Nearly three years ago, Life was birthed through me. God being a Man of his word definitely bestowed me with a beautiful gift, YOU. And I believed then as I still do now, that His promise to never forsake us is what allows me to love you, raise and provide for you, and to cherish you. I had never experienced a Love as such before. The Love I have for you starts deep within. It is a type of Love that grows every minute of every hour of every day. From the first time I heard your heart beating, I realized that what I do from this moment forward plants footsteps for you to follow. My son, you are not just a boy bearing a name. You are significant which was signified through your delivery. You crossed over into the realms of Earth from the protections of a mother’s womb and a Father’s life support. Though it is only one of us able to carry this load of responsibility, I promise that God has equipped me with the tools needed, the right people present and the mentality to persevere. In the eyes of the world, you aren’t supposed to make it; in the eyes of your mother, you will make it. This Love I have for you is an Everlasting Love. When put to the test, it always prevails. My Son I work hard so you can be a child in play. My son I cry long so you instead can laugh without hesitation. My son I pray daily so you can be covered for eternity. It was because of you I changed my ways. It was because I you that I grew into a determined woman overnight to raise her son right. When I look at you I am overcome with joy. On a lost day, My Son, you light up the way. And it is this that reminds me why you and I are here. Each new day is better than the last; it grants yet another time to shower you with more hugs, more kisses and more Love. An Everlasting Love is one that goes on and on, never ending, never quitting. In me, Son, you will find security and peace knowing that what we share is a Love of eternity. It is Everlasting….

 

I Love You Always,

Your Mother

To Receive, or Not To Receive?

Singlemamas… So you find out you are pregnant and as the shoe fits, we are wearing the fact we are also not married. Indeed, we are as single as can be. I am not sure if there is any others out there that can agree with me when I say this, but I was one naïve pregnant lady. I’m not sure if it was because of the hormones battling it out in my body or was I going into shock over the fact that I am having this guy’s child and he wants no part. Immediately, most ladies start to blame themselves, right? We start having these deep, thoughtless thoughts in our heads that go something like this: “Well, I AM the one who wants to keep the baby”, “He told me he wasn’t ready for a kid”, “I can do it by myself”, “It’ll be just like any other time, he’ll come back”. Point to be noted, this is only a handful of thoughtless thoughts. I had these thoughts times one hundred. Sad to report, I got stuck with this one: “I don’t want anything from you if you aren’t going to be in your son’s life”. This man, if nothing else I said, filed this away in his head marked No Legal Obligation, Hurray. He held me to this literally as did his family when word got out I was pursuing assistance through the courts.  I later had a conversation of clarity with the participating partner in my son’s conception to make certain he was aware I was emotionally incapable of making any sound decisions in the ramifications of the nine month term deemed pregnancy. If you are having a child or you already are raising one, how do you divide up the financial responsibility? The indicator that I had to seek financial help through our good friend CHILD SUPPORT came after I got $180 for a crib. A friend asked me once, why not an even $200? My answer,simply put, was this man makes it a point to never give me the whole him in anything, so why would he start now.

When you take out a calculator and do the math; time, money, expenses start to add up. For example the infamous child care equals my mortgage which I cannot substitute one for the other. My advice is when a noncustodial parent wants to devise a financial plan, let the courts get involved. Legality is recourse, those papers served are resource.   Not to mention that we let these men get off way too easily. Why is it that they get to father a child for free? I mean, he didn’t pay to have sex with you. Of course not!! I believe in women taking responsibility and I believe in a man taking responsibility for their actions. I have a lifelong commitment to be here physically and financially because I choose to. But I will not allow a man to play in my sheets and get away scot-free.  It is about the child primarily and the principle secondly. Three years of basically handling it myself, I vow never to be in this situation again. I believe that it takes a team to raise a child. There has to be some tag-team moments, seriously.

I pose a question Singlemamas, To receive, or Not to Receive Child Support?

**Click the image at the beginning of this post for your Resource Link!

The Reality of “SingleMamaness”

Oooo… Is he looking at me?

I mean, if he comes over then it must be

He’s smooth in his words, they come from inside so deep

The motions grab me, the feelings grab me, and he… he got me!

My days run together, my nights never end

When he calls, I come uh running like nothing else depends

His smell, I can’t get enough

When he’s away, my living is so tough

One day, two months, three years

I’ve down played the randomness of his calls out of fears

Fear of the absolute truth that you not I have ran your course

Fear of the absolute truth that this is ending something like a divorce

Instead of the house, you leave me with a seed

Instead of the car, you leave me with a nine month note indeed

Instead of the financial support, you leave me with no choice but government source

Instead of all, you leave me with part of you

The Reality is in… I am single and a mama too!!