Respect, Love & Commitment

Wifey Man Material

Singlemams… I feel like I have not written in such a long time! My schedule had gotten extremely hectic and I have finally prioritized my days down to the minutes. So, I am back!!

How is it that a man or boy (which ever the shoe fits) has multiple kids – more than one, and can still project the same excuse; that he is not ready to be a father? What constitutes a father being in the life of one child and not another? This is near and dear to me. My experiences detail this type of neglect toward my son. Though not certain, therefore I will assume I am not the only Singlemama that is or has had to translate what these actions mean respective to the child as well as to themselves.

When I first became knowledgeable of my unplanned pregnancy, there were mixed emotions. I took a few factors into consideration: I was grown, a college grad and a working woman thus resolved that I would accept my fate of motherhood. Although I had accepted, my counterpart had not. It was expressed that he was not ready for fatherhood at this point of his life. Naively, I accessed his current situation and empathetically excused him. The realization was this huge responsibility was all mine to bear. Truth be told, a year later I learned that my son had a sibling… and it was not by me! Not only was it another child conceived by the man who was not ready for kids BUT he was a willing participant in this child’s life.

Emotions were flying everywhere! I was mad as H%@l. All kind of resentful thoughts flooded my mind. Then as always, God humbled me through this entire ordeal. A man “may” base his love, affection and presence for a child on the woman whom the child comes from. If there is not a form of commitment, respect, and love towards the woman, than there “may” not be any love of the child.

A humbling experience indeed; there was no love, respect or commitment therefore when the pinnacle moment of parenthood arrived, he was not obligated. This implies that a man can sex you, but that does not translate that he wants a baby with you. A man that respects you will not abandon the whole responsibility of parenthood when half is his. A man that is committed to you is not circumstance driven. A man that loves you will also love his child. A man that loves God, himself and you will always be lead to do the correct thing in the midst of uncertainty.

Singlemamas… be mindful of whom you give yourself; too often we have partners during the tango but are standing alone when it is judgment time.

When It’s A “WE”, There Is No “I”

Dating today is like calculus; a complex mathematical subject that only a few master, but plenty fail. So of course a major concern of many Singlemamas is in fact, the entire dating process.  If you were dating before you had a child, it is a fair assumption to make that the coming and going as you pleased was a luxury. If you were interested in someone, you had freedom to go about dating them in any fashion you desired. After the child, it more than likely has become pretty evident that that luxury may not come with such ease. One of the ultimate complaints of a Singlemama when it pertains to dating is that she can’t go out anymore to even entertain the notion of meeting someone. Therefore if she can’t go out as often because of her motherly obligations, when she has landed a potential, it is hard to date him. Singlemamas… What decision are we faced with? Exactly, it is so much easier to entertain Mr. Potential at home which involves interaction with the child. This is a dilemma that so many of us are dealt with!! We know that nowadays attention spans are minimal and if each participating party is not getting the desired attention, they are “On to the Next”. At what point in a friendship or relationship is it SAFE for interaction with the child to begin??

From my personal experiences, there are times when I wish I had held out in allowing my male companion interaction with my son. Not for any extenuating circumstances but because when certain decisions needed to be made concerning my child and me, his early presence created a bias outlook on things. There were situations early in our dating relationship that warranted special attention on my behalf, but because my son was involved in the picture and a slight bond had begun to form between them, it obscured my analysis. My father would tell me to raise my son first and worry about dating afterwards. My interpretation: be lonely and miserable for 18 years of my life, no family, no more kids and growing older… alone. Obviously his advice was dismissed with love and gratitude, but NO THANKS! So when is it ok to have a male companion around your child or children? My initial question I posed, at what point is it safe? Safe/safety transcends outward to all parties involved resulting in other concerns to be addressed. Is it healthy for the child; is it safe for the child or you? How do you know it is a safe environment with Mr. Potential around? Have you taken time to get to know this man before you expose your child to him? Is he a positive influence to have around? Is the relational reflection of the two of you something that creates a nurturing environment for your child in every manner?

Going back in time to alter decisions is impossible! But sharing with others guidance from first hand encounters is just as satisfying. Singlemamas, when you have a child, your child is your first priority. That means that those “I” situations turn to “WE”. When is interaction ok??

**Click the image in the beginning of post for your resource link (book is a must read).