Respect, Love & Commitment

Wifey Man Material

Singlemams… I feel like I have not written in such a long time! My schedule had gotten extremely hectic and I have finally prioritized my days down to the minutes. So, I am back!!

How is it that a man or boy (which ever the shoe fits) has multiple kids – more than one, and can still project the same excuse; that he is not ready to be a father? What constitutes a father being in the life of one child and not another? This is near and dear to me. My experiences detail this type of neglect toward my son. Though not certain, therefore I will assume I am not the only Singlemama that is or has had to translate what these actions mean respective to the child as well as to themselves.

When I first became knowledgeable of my unplanned pregnancy, there were mixed emotions. I took a few factors into consideration: I was grown, a college grad and a working woman thus resolved that I would accept my fate of motherhood. Although I had accepted, my counterpart had not. It was expressed that he was not ready for fatherhood at this point of his life. Naively, I accessed his current situation and empathetically excused him. The realization was this huge responsibility was all mine to bear. Truth be told, a year later I learned that my son had a sibling… and it was not by me! Not only was it another child conceived by the man who was not ready for kids BUT he was a willing participant in this child’s life.

Emotions were flying everywhere! I was mad as H%@l. All kind of resentful thoughts flooded my mind. Then as always, God humbled me through this entire ordeal. A man “may” base his love, affection and presence for a child on the woman whom the child comes from. If there is not a form of commitment, respect, and love towards the woman, than there “may” not be any love of the child.

A humbling experience indeed; there was no love, respect or commitment therefore when the pinnacle moment of parenthood arrived, he was not obligated. This implies that a man can sex you, but that does not translate that he wants a baby with you. A man that respects you will not abandon the whole responsibility of parenthood when half is his. A man that is committed to you is not circumstance driven. A man that loves you will also love his child. A man that loves God, himself and you will always be lead to do the correct thing in the midst of uncertainty.

Singlemamas… be mindful of whom you give yourself; too often we have partners during the tango but are standing alone when it is judgment time.

When It’s A “WE”, There Is No “I”

Dating today is like calculus; a complex mathematical subject that only a few master, but plenty fail. So of course a major concern of many Singlemamas is in fact, the entire dating process.  If you were dating before you had a child, it is a fair assumption to make that the coming and going as you pleased was a luxury. If you were interested in someone, you had freedom to go about dating them in any fashion you desired. After the child, it more than likely has become pretty evident that that luxury may not come with such ease. One of the ultimate complaints of a Singlemama when it pertains to dating is that she can’t go out anymore to even entertain the notion of meeting someone. Therefore if she can’t go out as often because of her motherly obligations, when she has landed a potential, it is hard to date him. Singlemamas… What decision are we faced with? Exactly, it is so much easier to entertain Mr. Potential at home which involves interaction with the child. This is a dilemma that so many of us are dealt with!! We know that nowadays attention spans are minimal and if each participating party is not getting the desired attention, they are “On to the Next”. At what point in a friendship or relationship is it SAFE for interaction with the child to begin??

From my personal experiences, there are times when I wish I had held out in allowing my male companion interaction with my son. Not for any extenuating circumstances but because when certain decisions needed to be made concerning my child and me, his early presence created a bias outlook on things. There were situations early in our dating relationship that warranted special attention on my behalf, but because my son was involved in the picture and a slight bond had begun to form between them, it obscured my analysis. My father would tell me to raise my son first and worry about dating afterwards. My interpretation: be lonely and miserable for 18 years of my life, no family, no more kids and growing older… alone. Obviously his advice was dismissed with love and gratitude, but NO THANKS! So when is it ok to have a male companion around your child or children? My initial question I posed, at what point is it safe? Safe/safety transcends outward to all parties involved resulting in other concerns to be addressed. Is it healthy for the child; is it safe for the child or you? How do you know it is a safe environment with Mr. Potential around? Have you taken time to get to know this man before you expose your child to him? Is he a positive influence to have around? Is the relational reflection of the two of you something that creates a nurturing environment for your child in every manner?

Going back in time to alter decisions is impossible! But sharing with others guidance from first hand encounters is just as satisfying. Singlemamas, when you have a child, your child is your first priority. That means that those “I” situations turn to “WE”. When is interaction ok??

**Click the image in the beginning of post for your resource link (book is a must read).

His Last Forever… Or Yours?

 

For several of us, when we gave birth to our child or children, we were single. For some, you may have been married and, unfortunately, your fantasy marriage may have ended in a nightmarish divorce. However, custody was granted to you. Just for this conversation, I am not specifically referring to the latter, but as always feel free to give your input.

Today things are done differently. If you are a single woman giving birth to a child, unless the father is present to sign his name on the dotted line, that baby is leaving the hospital with your last name. In my case, this wasn’t a problem. At the time of birth, I did not want my son to bear the last name of people who did not even acknowledge his existence. BUT… my son’s blood does not lie. He is the offspring of his biological father. So should he bear his name or continue through life with mine?

This has always been a question of mine, even before I had my own child. Often times, in the case of a single mother, a child has the same last name as their mother but the mother is not married, again implying that the child has taken on the maternal last name. In my current relationship, with the man I “one day hope to marry”, we often talk about creating a legacy. It is his dream to have multiple sons of his own who will carry on his last name and the legacy that is associated with it. Traditionally, this is the natural order of things. The children get the father’s last name; the son(s) continue the lineage and the daughters marry into another lineage. So what happens in the situation of many our Singlemamas’ dilemmas? At first we really don’t have a choice if the father is not present at the birth. We are forced into one direction. (Note, I understand the legality behind this action.) And I guess, I am referring to cases where the dad is absent, why is it that mamas still want their child to bear his last name? If child support is in order and paternity has been done, then legally the child has been officially deemed his and hers. So the “what if something happens” excuse is invalid. Are we trying to hold onto a piece of something (child’s father)? Are we doing it out of spite? I envision my son being proud of his last name. I envision him with the same excitement my boyfriend possesses when thinking of passing on his last name to his kids.

My ultimate desire is for my son to be adopted by my future husband and we all share the same last name. He has my last name now, but when I transition into a new lineage my son will transition as well. A last name is something to be proud of; it is a name that reflects the family you come from and the family you will continue to build. So SingleMamas, does your child’s father qualify to have his name passed on for another generation? His Last Forever…  Or Yours?

Hello, My Name is Ursula and I am a Spoiler.

(text under image “Most kids just get a drink of water, you know.”)

When you have an “only child”, often times it is hard to gage when something is too much or too little. You do not have the advantage of prior dealings with an older sibling. My son is an only child, and when he asks for things, very seldom does he hear the word, “NO”. Keep in mind that he is only two years of age, and his vocabulary is not extensive enough to ask for anything too extreme… not yet at least! But the other day I seriously found myself about to cook my son “cakes” (which in our house is short for “pancakes”) for a snack. I was prepping my cooking station, gearing up to prepare my finest batch of “cakes” for a two year old to take one bite, then change his mind and say “I want cookies” instead. Where is the line drawn?

All the men in my life constantly address my son as the spoiled one and me as the ultimate spoiler. Before the “cake” epiphany, I plagued their comments as a non-factor and chalked it up as their lack of a maternal bond, right? I mean, my son is not spoiled. He does not get everything he wants, when he wants it. And then, I pinched myself. He may not get everything he wants but he does get a variation of what he wants, most of the time. My way of teaching him that he may not always get his way is saying “NO” to what he is asking for, occasionally. So that sounds stupendous to most. Here is where I go wrong, he doesn’t get that wagon he is pointing at but he walks out of Wal-Mart, after every visit, with either a bag of Life Savers Gummies candy or a small toy to add to the mounds of other toys he already has. Am I a bad SingleMama, family? Am I really teaching him that no means no, or am I teaching him that he may not get the big treat but he can always count on a smaller treat to come to the rescue?

I know you all are dying to know, did the kid get his “cakes”. He sure…. DID….. NOT!!! I had to draw the line. I told him NO like there was-a-tomorrow. And that became my motto; “Not today, maybe tomorrow”. His response was a simple, “OK Mommy”. Our children like discipline; they also like to test our limits. He knew the “cakes” were our breakfast food, but he also knew that if he asks, he usually receives and if he doesn’t receive the specific item that’s being requested, he receives a variation. These little monsters are smart, but we are smarter, SingleMamas. Do a self-evaluation on your practices. Are you a spoiler or are you an improver, your child’s behavior and his life depend on it? Please Share.

**Click on the image in the beginning of the post for your Resource Link.

His Exposure Will Become Who He Is

 

In my current profession, every day I am amazed…. But unfortunately, it is not at elements I am proud to share. As you all know, I am a SingleMama raising a son whose father has chosen to be absent. I, in my lack of infinite knowledge of the male makeup, have to rely on other males to model what is expected of my son. At an early age, he is exposed to great men doing great things even though they are not his biological father. Prior to having a child, raising one in a two parent household was the furthest thing from my mind.  First, was clearly satisfying my immediate desires. Now, after actually living this single parenthood fantasy, am I aware that though I am the best mother my son can have, I cannot teach him what a man can. Prime example, it is taking my son forever to become potty-trained. I do my best showing him the concept of, “when I feel it-I have to go”, but what I cannot show him is how to stand, aim and relieve. Note: this is only a minor concept/lesson/behavior that is expected of a male. So who is responsible for teaching the concepts, lessons and behaviors that is expected and desirable in a man?

Every day, in my occupation, I am faced with boys who are currently living in a single parent environment where the mother is the sole parent. These children find it hard to produce the desired characteristic of a young man because they have no mature man showing them at home. Respect, appreciation, love, how to love, taking responsibility, how to treat a female, the importance and value of an education, anti-abandonment… are only a few of the qualities a male child, a pre-teen boy, and a young man should be exposed to before they reach adulthood. My boys, I work with, are faced with father-abandonment. They do not have a positive male figure in their lives. They have negative influencers who show them all the wrong ways to obtain material possessions while ultimately accomplishing nothing. They see and learn by way of the many male relationships their mothers engage in; relationships that teach “how not to be committed”. They are faced with a one-sided love which could possibly be distorted by extenuating circumstances. I can teach my son how I, as a woman, should be treated but it takes a man to demonstrate it.

If my son is exposed to all of the negative elements during his molding into manhood, when he does become a man, what type of man would he become? SingleMamas, I do not know how or why you became a SingleMama; but I do NOT want my son growing up possessing the character of his biological father. Instead of solid exposure of male-abandonment, my son is exposed to a consistent, significant male presence that utilizes every opportunity available to teach him to be a good man. SingleMamas, what are your children exposed to?

 

**Click the image at the beginning of the post for your resource link.

I Am A Super-Woman

SingleMamas: I don’t mean to pat myself on the back… but I deserve it. There is nothing wrong with taking a minute out of your hectic schedule to extend yourself praise. Because Ladies, we do it all! Is that not the soul of a superhero? A superhero possesses an array of powers that allows him or her to help in every situation; the ability to multitask like no other, to operate 24/7 and to always save the day. If that does not describe what I do on a daily basis, along with many other wonderful SingleMamas of the world, then what does? A typical schedule goes a little something like this: Up at 5:50am with 30-40 minutes allocated to getting myself ready, 6:30 I am waking my child up to potty train and get him ready for daycare, by 7:00am we are out the door and myself with as little as a skimpy granola bar to gobble down. By 8:05am I am at my school on hall duty but only after swinging by the Daycare to drop my child off and give him a quick pep-talk in the restroom of what is expected of him that day. The usual, external (outside the house) 8hr, 1^st shift begins around 8:05am ends at 4:05pm. This is followed immediately by the 2^nd and continuous shift of internal (inside the house) commitments. I now have on my cape and I am in “fly-girl” mode. It is literally a race against the clock to accomplish the mandatory tasks before night-time arrives. Let’s see, what’s next? Right, my son needs a bath, has to be read to, lessons reviewed and he has to eat as well. But before he can eat, I must cook and then clean the dishes, tidy the house, iron our clothes for the next day, prepare his school bag and review lesson plans for my students the next day. Oh, did I mention I may have homework or a quiz to complete for grad school. By the way, the goal is to always have my son in bed by 8:00pm. I, on the other hand, have a curfew of 11:30pm which allows me to have “them”, “him” and “me” time (friends, boyfriend and myself respectfully).  This grants me just enough beauty sleep to be prepared for the hustle and bustle of another SingleMamas’ day.

Catwoman just doesn’t possess enough qualities. Yeah, we all have that sex appeal to get what we want but we go beyond the exterior. Spiderman gets to pick and choose when and where he wants to be a hero. Unfortunately, SingleMamas don’t usually have that luxury. It is what it is, when and where it is! Superwoman takes on the responsibility that Superman has but with femininity.

SingleMamas, it feels so good expressing or relieving the stresses that single-motherhood can produce. What’s amazing is realizing that I am not the only one. We are indeed growing in numbers. That is a catch 22 (we’ll save that conversation for a future blog). But we are building a community of support and resources. It starts here…

**Click the image at the beginning of this post for your Resource Link!

Who’s Your “Daddy”?

“Anybody can daddy/have a child, but it takes a real man to father a child.” We all have heard this quote or a slight     variation that still points out the essence. I would like to verbalize initially that I totally, 100% agree with this. Here’s the problem, what constitutes a real man and what does it mean to “FATHER” a child? Father in general is in relation to his natural born child or children; which in a picture perfect world definitely would be the case. Unfortunately, we are far from a picture perfect world and as a result the word Father comes with multiple definitions and multiple roles/expectations. According to The Free Dictionary by Farlex, father has three definitions:  A.) A male person whose sperm unites with an egg, resulting in the conception of a child. B.) A man who adopts a child. C.) A man who raises a child.

Let me back track for a moment to create a picture of understanding of where I am coming from and where I am going with this. I had help (we’ll refer to the help as “Big Play”) in the conception area of my son, therefore, according to the definition Big Play is a father. Hmmm, but I’m not buying this. Let’s move on to the next part of the definition, Big Play did not adopt my son, claim my son or show up for the birth of my son, and according to the definition now, he’s not a father. Lastly, Big Play is not a man who is raising his son which also yields the conclusion he is not a father.  So how is it that a person is a father in one area but not a father in the other areas?

Reexamine the quote. The last stance says that it takes a real man to father a child. It puts the word father in action meaning in an ongoing context. There are men (my father, brother and boyfriend) in my sons life presently that were at his birth who are currently fathering him. They are involved in his daily upbringing, they are concerned with his well-being, and they have accepted and taking on the responsibility of helping me to raise my son as a SingleMama.  A father is not a one time, hit and quit it job. To be a father is a lifelong commitment. I always use God as a reference, He did not just create us and forsake/leave us; he stays with us every day, he protects us, guides us, feeds us, and continuously loves us. So men don’t just be a father but act as a father does. Mentality is the difference from a near 30 year old who is not fathering his child and an 18 year old that is. Age does not play a factor. Age is not an indicator of manhood, but ones actions are. And to all the MEN out there that have proudly accepted their roles of fatherhood rather biologically or nonconventional, in a marriage or out of a marriage… I salute you. We, SIngleMamas can do it, but involuntary help is always appreciated!!

**Click the image at the beginning of this post for your Resource Link!

From a Mother to Her Son (An Everlasting Love…)

Dear Son,

Nearly three years ago, Life was birthed through me. God being a Man of his word definitely bestowed me with a beautiful gift, YOU. And I believed then as I still do now, that His promise to never forsake us is what allows me to love you, raise and provide for you, and to cherish you. I had never experienced a Love as such before. The Love I have for you starts deep within. It is a type of Love that grows every minute of every hour of every day. From the first time I heard your heart beating, I realized that what I do from this moment forward plants footsteps for you to follow. My son, you are not just a boy bearing a name. You are significant which was signified through your delivery. You crossed over into the realms of Earth from the protections of a mother’s womb and a Father’s life support. Though it is only one of us able to carry this load of responsibility, I promise that God has equipped me with the tools needed, the right people present and the mentality to persevere. In the eyes of the world, you aren’t supposed to make it; in the eyes of your mother, you will make it. This Love I have for you is an Everlasting Love. When put to the test, it always prevails. My Son I work hard so you can be a child in play. My son I cry long so you instead can laugh without hesitation. My son I pray daily so you can be covered for eternity. It was because of you I changed my ways. It was because I you that I grew into a determined woman overnight to raise her son right. When I look at you I am overcome with joy. On a lost day, My Son, you light up the way. And it is this that reminds me why you and I are here. Each new day is better than the last; it grants yet another time to shower you with more hugs, more kisses and more Love. An Everlasting Love is one that goes on and on, never ending, never quitting. In me, Son, you will find security and peace knowing that what we share is a Love of eternity. It is Everlasting….

 

I Love You Always,

Your Mother

To Receive, or Not To Receive?

Singlemamas… So you find out you are pregnant and as the shoe fits, we are wearing the fact we are also not married. Indeed, we are as single as can be. I am not sure if there is any others out there that can agree with me when I say this, but I was one naïve pregnant lady. I’m not sure if it was because of the hormones battling it out in my body or was I going into shock over the fact that I am having this guy’s child and he wants no part. Immediately, most ladies start to blame themselves, right? We start having these deep, thoughtless thoughts in our heads that go something like this: “Well, I AM the one who wants to keep the baby”, “He told me he wasn’t ready for a kid”, “I can do it by myself”, “It’ll be just like any other time, he’ll come back”. Point to be noted, this is only a handful of thoughtless thoughts. I had these thoughts times one hundred. Sad to report, I got stuck with this one: “I don’t want anything from you if you aren’t going to be in your son’s life”. This man, if nothing else I said, filed this away in his head marked No Legal Obligation, Hurray. He held me to this literally as did his family when word got out I was pursuing assistance through the courts.  I later had a conversation of clarity with the participating partner in my son’s conception to make certain he was aware I was emotionally incapable of making any sound decisions in the ramifications of the nine month term deemed pregnancy. If you are having a child or you already are raising one, how do you divide up the financial responsibility? The indicator that I had to seek financial help through our good friend CHILD SUPPORT came after I got $180 for a crib. A friend asked me once, why not an even $200? My answer,simply put, was this man makes it a point to never give me the whole him in anything, so why would he start now.

When you take out a calculator and do the math; time, money, expenses start to add up. For example the infamous child care equals my mortgage which I cannot substitute one for the other. My advice is when a noncustodial parent wants to devise a financial plan, let the courts get involved. Legality is recourse, those papers served are resource.   Not to mention that we let these men get off way too easily. Why is it that they get to father a child for free? I mean, he didn’t pay to have sex with you. Of course not!! I believe in women taking responsibility and I believe in a man taking responsibility for their actions. I have a lifelong commitment to be here physically and financially because I choose to. But I will not allow a man to play in my sheets and get away scot-free.  It is about the child primarily and the principle secondly. Three years of basically handling it myself, I vow never to be in this situation again. I believe that it takes a team to raise a child. There has to be some tag-team moments, seriously.

I pose a question Singlemamas, To receive, or Not to Receive Child Support?

**Click the image at the beginning of this post for your Resource Link!

The Reality of “SingleMamaness”

Oooo… Is he looking at me?

I mean, if he comes over then it must be

He’s smooth in his words, they come from inside so deep

The motions grab me, the feelings grab me, and he… he got me!

My days run together, my nights never end

When he calls, I come uh running like nothing else depends

His smell, I can’t get enough

When he’s away, my living is so tough

One day, two months, three years

I’ve down played the randomness of his calls out of fears

Fear of the absolute truth that you not I have ran your course

Fear of the absolute truth that this is ending something like a divorce

Instead of the house, you leave me with a seed

Instead of the car, you leave me with a nine month note indeed

Instead of the financial support, you leave me with no choice but government source

Instead of all, you leave me with part of you

The Reality is in… I am single and a mama too!!